TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT DIVORCE

Divorce is a life changing event for all members of a family. While the legal dispute is between the spouses, others – especially young children – are also involved, even if they are not officially parties to the legal proceedings. Your children will certainly have questions and concerns about how their lives and their relationships you and your spouse will be impacted by this decision. You will have to balance the need to give them enough information to prepare them for the changes to come against the need to avoid overloading them with details that will just make them anxious and confused. You will also need to avoid any temptation to encourage your children to take sides. Shielding children from conflict while providing them with necessary, age-appropriate information is the key to guiding them though the process of separation and divorce successfully.

When to Talk to Your Children

The first step is, of course, telling your children that you and your spouse will be divorcing. If possible, you and your spouse should agree in advance about on when and how you will share this news. Older children may already have some sense that their parents are having marital difficulties, so you may just be confirming what they already know. Both parents should be present for the conversation and all the children should be included so that they learn about what is happening at the same time. One sibling should not learn about the divorce from another. If there is a significant difference in age between your children, plan to share the basic information with all the children together and then follow-up with the older ones during a separate conversation. It is important that children not be presented with details that are beyond their ability to handle based upon their age and developmental stage. Try to have this initial conversation on a day when the family will be together for a period of time afterward, like at the start of a weekend. Avoid holidays or other special days, or just before school or bedtime.

If you and your spouse have a plan for post-divorce life, share it with them. Tell them who will be moving out and where he or she will be residing, which parent they will live with, when they will spend time with the other parent, etc. Pointing out what will remain the same (for example, they will remain in the same school or on the same sports teams) may provide a sense of some stability. It is okay to admit that that there are some matters that are still to be decided. Children should be assured, however, that you and your spouse are committed to working together to resolve the outstanding issues, and that they will be loved and cared for in any arrangement that is made.

Keep the Conversation Going

As your divorce proceeds and events continue to unfold, on-going conversations with your children will be necessary. In the course of sharing information with children, parents should take care to protect them from as much of the divorce “process” as possible. Although there is often bitterness and acrimony in a divorce, be careful not to let that bitterness or acrimony spill over on to your children. Settlement negotiations, financial arrangements, the grounds for the divorce, court appearance schedules, and other such matters are not appropriate topics of conversation between parents and children. Refraining from discussing these matters makes it easier to remain focused on what should be the primary messages: the adult decision to divorce has nothing to do with anything they did or said; you will always remain their loving Mom and Dad (even after you are no longer husband and wife), and, above all, you are both committed to working together to bring the entire family through the divorce process safely and securely.

Finally, don’t let the conversation be one-sided. Your children will have their own questions and concerns, and they will be looking to you for answers. Answer the questions as best you can (sometimes, “I don’t know” may be the only honest answer). Listen to their concerns, and address them as best you can. For example, older children may have a preference for living with a parent other than the one you and your spouse have decided on for them. Find out why they have that preference, and talk through it with them.

Life Goes On

As active members of our community, the attorneys of ARWJ are committed to promoting the well-being of our children. During our many years of experience advocating for clients as family law attorneys, we have developed a network of child-focused professionals (mental health, educational, and developmental experts) with whom we work to support families navigating the many challenges of the divorce process.