Divorce is a life changing event for all members of a family. While the legal dispute is between the spouses, others – especially young children – are also involved, even if they are not officially parties to the legal proceedings. Your children will certainly have questions and concerns about how their lives and their relationships you and your spouse will be impacted by this decision. You will have to balance the need to give them enough information to prepare them for the changes to come against the need to avoid overloading them with details that will just make them anxious and confused. You will also need to avoid any temptation to encourage your children to take sides. Shielding children from conflict while providing them with necessary, age-appropriate information is the key to guiding them though the process of separation and divorce successfully.

When to Talk to Your Children

The first step is, of course, telling your children that you and your spouse will be divorcing. If possible, you and your spouse should agree in advance about on when and how you will share this news. Older children may already have some sense that their parents are having marital difficulties, so you may just be confirming what they already know. Both parents should be present for the conversation and all the children should be included so that they learn about what is happening at the same time. One sibling should not learn about the divorce from another. If there is a significant difference in age between your children, plan to share the basic information with all the children together and then follow-up with the older ones during a separate conversation. It is important that children not be presented with details that are beyond their ability to handle based upon their age and developmental stage. Try to have this initial conversation on a day when the family will be together for a period of time afterward, like at the start of a weekend. Avoid holidays or other special days, or just before school or bedtime.

If you and your spouse have a plan for post-divorce life, share it with them. Tell them who will be moving out and where he or she will be residing, which parent they will live with, when they will spend time with the other parent, etc. Pointing out what will remain the same (for example, they will remain in the same school or on the same sports teams) may provide a sense of some stability. It is okay to admit that that there are some matters that are still to be decided. Children should be assured, however, that you and your spouse are committed to working together to resolve the outstanding issues, and that they will be loved and cared for in any arrangement that is made.

Keep the Conversation Going

As your divorce proceeds and events continue to unfold, on-going conversations with your children will be necessary. In the course of sharing information with children, parents should take care to protect them from as much of the divorce “process” as possible. Although there is often bitterness and acrimony in a divorce, be careful not to let that bitterness or acrimony spill over on to your children. Settlement negotiations, financial arrangements, the grounds for the divorce, court appearance schedules, and other such matters are not appropriate topics of conversation between parents and children. Refraining from discussing these matters makes it easier to remain focused on what should be the primary messages: the adult decision to divorce has nothing to do with anything they did or said; you will always remain their loving Mom and Dad (even after you are no longer husband and wife), and, above all, you are both committed to working together to bring the entire family through the divorce process safely and securely.

Finally, don’t let the conversation be one-sided. Your children will have their own questions and concerns, and they will be looking to you for answers. Answer the questions as best you can (sometimes, “I don’t know” may be the only honest answer). Listen to their concerns, and address them as best you can. For example, older children may have a preference for living with a parent other than the one you and your spouse have decided on for them. Find out why they have that preference, and talk through it with them.

Life Goes On

As active members of our community, the attorneys of ARWJ are committed to promoting the well-being of our children. During our many years of experience advocating for clients as family law attorneys, we have developed a network of child-focused professionals (mental health, educational, and developmental experts) with whom we work to support families navigating the many challenges of the divorce process.

Not very many years ago, the idea that people would routinely communicate with one another via a video screen was dismissed as “a good idea that won’t happen anytime soon.” Today, it is not just a reality, it is a commonplace thing. Although telephonic and video conferencing technology has been available for some time, most people did not have occasion to make use of it in their daily lives. In fact, prior to the COVID-19 pandemic and the resulting government imposition of “stay-at-home” orders, many people had never even heard of platforms such as “Zoom,” “Microsoft Teams” and “Google Meet.” However, once the requirements of “social distancing” became a reality, use of this technology became essential to one’s ability to work, learn, do business, receive medical care, and access the legal system. Even people who have never had reason to use the technology now know what a “Zoom meeting” is.

Many courts across the country began using video and telephone conferencing technology to conduct business during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although the pandemic has long since been declared over, New Mexico courts have continued to conduct almost all proceedings by telephone or video conference. There are, of course, some exceptions. For example, emergency motions, evidentiary, guardianship, domestic violence, and some child custody hearings are all conducted in person. However, by and large, appearing by telephone or video has become the norm in New Mexico courts. It does not appear that this will change any time soon. In fact, in late 2023, the Eleventh Judicial District Court – which covers McKinley and San Juan Counties – collaborated with public and private entities to establish “justice stations” in some communities in northwestern New Mexico. By using these “justice station” computers, which are located in libraries and community centers, people without internet connections in their homes or who lack reliable cell phone service are able to conduct business in the magistrate court. Plans are in the works for justice stations to be installed in more public areas, including homeless shelters, throughout the district.

Allowing individuals to appear in court by telephone or video makes the legal system more convenient, secure, and accessible for everyone. Among the many benefits:

Individuals no longer have to spend time and money traveling to a courthouse to attend a proceeding;

• It is not necessary to take an entire day off from work or to find and pay for all-day childcare in order to attend court;
• Attorneys do not have to travel to and from court and spend time waiting for their cases to be heard, so hourly legal fees are reduced;
• Contentious litigants do not have to appear together in the same place while tempers may be running high, thus reducing the potential for confrontation or violence;
• The feelings of intimidation that some people experience when required to appear before a judge is greatly reduced.

As unlikely as it may seem, the adoption of videoconferencing to make accessing the court system more convenient and less costly for the public may prove to be an unexpected, lasting benefit arising from the events of 2020. The recent practice of permitting virtual appearances for proceedings allows Armstrong, Roth, Whitley, Johnstone to represent clients with cases being handled in any court, no matter how far from their office in Albuquerque a court might be. ARWJ can also conduct initial consultations, and most other necessary communications with their clients, by telephone, or will also accommodate a client who prefers to meet in person.